IMPORTANT!

gah... yeah, i'm still alive, surprisingly?! god... it's been really repetitive lately. i haven't had anything to update on 'cause of that, and it's got me feeling like this: the entire month. i've been seeing my therapist, i've been talking a lot, got confirmation for my autism, uh... i've been making a lot of characters lately, playing lots of genshin... listening to music, stuff like that. hm... uh, i was in a really bad mood today for no reason. so that was... probably an episode of soooome sort... i've been taking care of pink begonias i decided to name mingzhu, after lanzhu zhong's song ye mingzhu, and no that's not a joke! um.. i've been watering them whenever their soil is dry and got them a grow lamp. i'm gonna buy some fertilizer and a bigger pot sometime soon... i've been completely hyperfixated on ninjago again. like, it's taken over every part of my little brain and im thinking about it a LOT! ehhh... yeah. nothing else to really update on, i don't think. i'll see if i can update more again.

i've not had anything to update on at all lately!!!!!!! it's a bit frustrating... day in, day out, it's all the same !!! i've been sleeping the days away, mostly... drawing a lot, reading some cute manga, anything to pass the time, at this point... eh... i've completely played through omori twice in a row now, just to get the secret ending cutscene... it's a good way to waste away about 24 hours, i guess! hum, what else.. ah, my father's made comments on my food again.. it felt really bad. i didn't end up eating for the rest of the day. it just made me feel so helpless. umm.. been a little sad lately. its alright. umm.. dealing with some suicidal thoughts, too. i'm doing my best to ignore them. i got some vitamin gummies... i hope they help ;-;

had a real bad fever today. not much else happened... did mostly drawing, had some good food. really tired most of the day, though. mom tried bringing me medicine for my throat that's supposed to be anti-bacterial, but it was mint flavored...sob.... i can't even think about eating mint without feeling sick!!!!! gragh.... i need to find something else to take...

forgot to update yesterday again... i went to bed before i could, since i like.. Reeked of sickness and it made me feel even worse. i have tonsillitis again, which is great, really.... /s.... i'm hoping i can get them out already because this really sucks. ugh. um.. not much else to say!

its 3:30 am as i'm writing this, since i forgot to update before going to sleep... oh well! right, uhh.. yesterday was kinda shit at times but it did get better. drew a little, designed myself a new sona, started animating him, blah blah... the damn computer bluescreened at one point, though, so i had to partially redo it... lol. probably gonna try and figure out colors today.. but im gonna go back to sleep first. whate else... ah, i walked on the treadmill for an hour today. 4km/h for most of it and then a 1 minute sprint at the end! i couldn't really go any faster, and my body/HEDS/lungs really werent big fans of the faster speeds.... especially since i was sick yesterday lol, but i powered through it! i ate very little yesterday, though, so i ended up lightheaded afterwards. ill probably do it again today! anywho, im getting tired again, so... bedtime again!

nothing special happened today, to tell you the truth. didn't end up seeing my therapist since i got sick... luckily i tested negative for covid, but i didnt think i could speak for an hour, so i decided to just stay home. that i didn't get to complain does annoy me though, lol... anyway, i spent some time drawing, took a break to crochet and watch some youtube, and then went back to drawing. decided i needed a new lineart brush by the end of it though because it felt awful to use... like, it just didnt look good. shading helped, though! umm, what else.. ah, had to take some vitamins, finished breeding all the eeveelutions... for some reason became completely obsessed with secret himitsu, lol? and remembered parts of my sexual trauma. was real great, that part /s. anywho, probably gonna sleep now lololol goodnight

today was better than yesterday... but also i spent most of the day asleep, so... ah, whatever. i spent most of the night awake again playing pokemon and drawing, perfecting my team, analyzing art styles i liked, etc. i think i've kind of got something down with what im doing... but at the same time, im just messing around, and i'm frustrated with what it looks like...。：゜(；´∩｀；)゜：。art's so frustrating!!!! but at around 7 am my joints in my right arm started hurting super bad. it radiated out from my elbow, down to my wrist, AND up into my shoulder. then my wrist started radiating pain too, all the way down to my fingertips! it hurt so bad, and nothing worked to help! when my other arm started hurting too, i decided to go to sleep.

anyways, i nearly forgot to update! i got so distracted listening to music and breeding eevees, time got away from me for a while! argh... i really hope i get medicated soon... anyway, i'm seeing my therapist tomorrow! i'm excited, i have so much to complain about, lol; like my mom filling out my diagnostic questionnaire without asking me (AND sending it off! I ASKED HER MULTIPLE TIMES NOT TO!!!!) and my brother nearly destroying the computer with all my art and utau files (its fine now, but he didn't even ask before fucking with it... had he actually broken it i might've just killed him to be honest. like, holy shit.) anyway, considering buying a screen drawing tablet... it'd be better for my posture, i think? like, i have to stretch my neck up too high to look at the computer screen, so... anyway, working on buying a birthday gift for angel soon. hoping this proxy service i've found is affordable, because.. god... anyway, that's enough of an entry for the day, right? see you tomorrow.

well.. today wasn't great. wasn't awful either, though, so it wasnt a total loss, i guess. i pulled an all-nighter playing pokemon shield again, at around 7 am i got suuuuuuper nauseous and cramps kicked in, so i decided to go to sleep. woke up at around 14 pm, felt fine, finished pokemon a short while ago... then i decided "hey, why not try to draw?" so i did.

and that's where the trouble started.

i started feeling super self-conscious about my art again. it was worse than yesterday, even, and it felt like i could cry. i ended up just coloring a manga page (ill insert it here, if i ever finish it...) and started feeling somewhat better since it distracted me, but my mental health just took a real nosedive after that. i started feeling real suicidal, wanted to cry, my misophonia got set off when my mom started eating (how loud can one eat with their mouth closed, jesus fuck! she's still eating, too! she's eating fucking soup, what the fuck is she even crunching on?), my friends started frustrating me for stupid reasons and i just want to self-isolate and cry right now. not to mention my father deciding he needed to try and tell ME that he could say the r slur (as a non-disabled man) as long as he wasn't using it towards someone mentally disabled. like, what the fuck. (why would you say that to your mentally disabled child, anyways?). we argued a bit. it didnt really affect me too much... it frustrated me even more, though. im still feeling real ticked off by the smallest things! im just so upset.

in any case, since i've finished the main game of pokemon shield a second time, i'll probably finish the post-game tonight. might steal some snacks for my room upstairs to eat while i play... um, i guess thats the end of todays entry? so.. yeah.

i guess it's time for an intro post, huh? alright... i'm shino or kanata. i'm a ... semi-decently aged teen, i guess? old enough to know... old shows... my age doesn't really matter. i'm mentally ill as hell. . . the only important ones you really need to be aware of is that im autistic and psychotic. these affect me the most in my daily life, but other symptoms will show in my entries... i'd appreciate not being theorized about, though.

i don't plan to add any way to contact me for now, but maybe the chance is there someday.

my pronouns, by the way, are he/it and neopronouns. i use neos like blush, love, chirp, and also any water related pronouns. i'm a gay man; but my gender is confusing, and i may go more into detail in random rambles.

anyway, thanks for reading this! i hope to keep this website up and running for quite a while.